Tag Archives: husband

Great (Unmet) Expectations: How to Fight Fair in Marriage

Arguments happen even among the most loving and closest of couples.  Often those arguments will have two causes: 1. unmet expectations, or 2. unrepented pride.  Today, let’s talk about unmet expectations.  In one way, this first cause can have its roots in the second.  There are expectations that a wife or husband has but never expresses to their partner because “they should just know,” or “because I’ve lived with them for so long,” or “they owe me.”  Do you see the pride in those statements?  I should not have to condescend to explain what I desire.  They ought to be as intelligent as I.  They ought to be on the same emotional level as myself.  They should elevate themselves; I ought not have to condescend to their level.  Let’s leave that one for next time.

What happens if that isn’t the case?  What happens if one has expectations, and has expressed them, but still has them unmet?  The heart is racing (or slowing, depending on anger or hurt), the emotions are on edge, and everyone is gearing up for a fight.  What do you do?  Matt Chandler has some advice:

One of the rules right out of the gate is that we have to be careful not to react to things that upset us.  Reaction shows a serious lack of self-control and maturity.  Notice that Solomon didn’t just blow up at his wife and go on about how she didn’t love him or respect him or care about him.  None of that happened.  Instead, he basically said, “Okay, I get it.  I love you.” [cf. SoS 5:4-6] His heart may have been full of frustration, but he controlled himself and responded to his wife, rather than reacting to her.   Then he took his frustration elsewhere. (The Mingling of Souls, p. 149)

. . .The Scriptures show husbands that they’ve been called by God to love their wives like Christ loved the church.   That means we love them regardless of their response to our efforts to change them.  And the same grace-centeredness is needed for wives who want their husbands to change.

Getting our hearts into this way of thinking is the hardest thing in marriage by far because all of us tend to love in order to get something in return. (You can tell it’s not really love you’re giving if you begin to withhold it because you don’t think the response is good enough.)  Jesus calls us to a more selfless way, the way of the cross.  His way calls us to love purely because it’s the right thing to do, because it honors him and glorifies his Father.  Jesus emptied himself in order to love imperfect responders.  That’s real love.

Men, have you figured out that you cannot be romantic enough?  You cannot be sweet enough?  You cannot be sweet enough.  You cannot help out around the house enough. You cannot make enough money and buy enough stuff to make your wife a sexual dynamo in the bedroom.  Heart change isn’t brought about through leverage like that.  In the end, only the Holy Spirit can change your wife’s heart.  So we love, we encourage, and repeatedly we turn our wife over to Christ because he can change her heart.  He can move in her.  He can do things that we can’t.

The same is true for women.  You can give all the sex that your man wants.  You can cook him all his favorite meals.  You can keep the house extra clean.  You can give him time alone in his man cave or whatever.  And God can use all those things, but none of them performed to be about change will work to change your man’s heart.  Only God can do that. (Mingling, pp. 154-155)

So what is Matt Chandler saying?  Never react to unmet expectations; respond instead.  Respond with self-control and maturity.  If there is an opportunity, first go to God with the issue before going to your spouse.  While you may be able to affect the behavior of your spouse, you cannot affect the heart.  The heart is where real change is.  Only God can affect the heart.  Go to Him, then when emotions are not on edge, talk with your spouse.  By the way, don’t be surprised if God actually works on your heart before your spouses.

The Mingling of Souls is a great book based on the Song of Solomon, and I would highly recommend it.  It is by Matt Chandler and Jared C. Wilson, published by David C. Cook, copyrighted 2015.  You can order a copy here in various forms.

The Beatitudes for Marriage: Part 8

Those who are persecuted for righteousness are blessed, for the kingdom of heaven is theirs.
Matthew 5:10, HCSB

No one in their right mind seeks persecution.  While Jesus warned that His followers would be persecuted, He never told us to go and look for it either.  Persecution is simply inevitable when two opposing forces are wanting to occupy the same space.  If the kingdom of heaven is seeking to occupy space that belongs or belonged to the kingdom of darkness, you better believe God’s people will be persecuted (sadly, God’s people have also done their share of persecuting).

If, in a marriage, there is a believer and an unbeliever, the believer had better be ready to face persecution (I use persecution very broadly, and in fact, am not referring to abuse at all.  More on this later).  A spouse may not believe that going to church is necessary.  They may speak against your church, the people you love, and even your faith.  They may mock you–and what’s worse–do it in front of your children!  They may seek to bring your children to their side.  There is much more to say than I can put in a blog, but let me give you some biblical encouragement:

  1. Read 1 Peter! The entire book is about persecution and suffering for the faith.  This is something that you should regularly read, whether experiencing persecution in marriage or not.  Chapter 3 deals with persecution within marriage.  It mainly deals with wives since wives tend to be the physically weaker of the couple.  In Peter’s day, women were not much more than property.  Jesus and His followers changed all that, elevating women to the equality of men (that is not to say that women can or should do everything that men can and should do).  I will write about chapter 3:1-7 below.
  2. Know that God is using you.  Paul wrote that Christians were not to divorce their spouse, but stay with them (unless the unbelieving spouse chooses to leave).  Why?  “For you, wife, how do you know whether you will save your husband?  Or you, husband, how do you know whether you will save your wife,” (1 Cor 7:16, HCSB)?  That isn’t a promise of salvation, but it is an encouragement to the Christian that God can and does use a believing spouse to bring the other to salvation, no matter how hopeless.
  3. Pray and have people pray.  Peter wrote,
    Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your care on Him, because He cares about you.  Be serious! Be alert! Your adversary the Devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour.  Resist him and be firm in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are being experienced by your fellow believers throughout the world, (1 Peter 5:6-9, HCSB).

Satan is looking to destroy marriages.  He doesn’t play around and neither should we.  If you are serious about having a godly marriage, then be sure to take it seriously and pray seriously about it.  There are others out there struggling in their marriages.  Pray for them, and ask them to pray for you.

Now let me get to 1 Peter 3:1-7.  In this passage Peter tells the wives to remain silent in order and in hopes of leading the husband to the word without a word.  This fits well in with the idea of preaching the gospel and if necessary use words.  I am not a fan of that doctrine, but it is true at times. Peter says that when it comes to the gospel it may be best to keep silent.  “In the same way, wives, submit to your own  husbands, so that, even if som disobey the Christian message, they may be won over without a message by the way their wives live,” (1 Peter 3.1, HCSB).

He has set up people’s positions in society, masters and slaves (today: employers and employees).  He has set up people’s positions in the homes.  God created Adam and then Eve. From them came children.  So there is a sense of authority within the family.  Paul wrote to the Corinthians, “But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of the woman, and God is the head of Christ,” (1 Cor 11.3, HCSB).  I’m not a fan of the way this verse was translated by the HCSB team, for the idea that Paul is conveying is that of husband and wife, not just any man and any woman.  But what we see is that even in the Trinity there is a sense of authority.  Christ did everything that the Father told him to do.  He spoke as His Father said.  He acted as His Father said.  The husband answers to Christ.  Christ is the head of the husband and if he does not submit himself to Christ he will answer for it.  At the same time, the wife is to submit to her husband.

The subjection in once sense is through silence.  Your husband may not love Jesus.  He may despise Him.  Remember that this is being written while the first generation of Christians is still alive.  That means that men and women were already married when they became believers.  It wasn’t that Christian men married pagan women and vice versa, but rather two pagans or two Jews would already be married and one would follow Christ while the other didn’t.  We know that Paul would go on to write not to get married to an unbeliever, but at this point the couples were already together.  And that still happens today where one person within marriage follows Jesus and the other doesn’t.

Men and women tend to act differently when they have life changes.  Men tend to give a quick synopsis to people who will listen and then continue on.  Women tend to talk about it.  They want to share what has happened with them in detail.  Men are all about big picture; women: about the details.  This can be grating to a guy.  What happens then is that rather than being more interested they become less interested.  The husband begins to get pushed away from the topic of discussion.  They want to shut the conversation down.  They will either argue about it or they will walk away or they will just simply tell you to stay quiet.  And so Peter tells the wife just to stay silent.  Pique his interest by not saying a word.

This goes against the desires of a woman to speak.  There is a war now within that the woman has to now fight in order to not say anything.  So there is suffering from within.  The husband may have already been a jerk about her faith by telling her to keep it to herself, and so there was suffering from without, and now that she is staying silent she is suffering within.  But if the wife is wanting to suffer well she will go to war with herself.  She will give the respect that God requires of her to her husband.  She is to realize that God has, in His great unknown design and plan, set that man to have authority in her life.  So by respecting him, she is respecting God’s prerogative.

How then is she supposed to win him over?  By having a changed spirit.

They my be won over without a message by the way their wives live when they observe your pure, reverent lives.  Your beauty should not consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes.  Instead, it should consist of what is inside the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very valuable in God’s eyes, (1 Peter 3.1b-4, HCSB).

Peter of course isn’t saying that you can’t look nice or wear jewelry or do your hair.  What he is saying is that your husband’s adoring eyes ought to first look to the soul of his wife and not her hair or clothing or jewelry.  A husband should wake up in the morning and think he is the luckiest man in the world, not because he has a pretty wife, but because she has a beautiful spirit about her.  What once concerned her: her looks, her clothes, her accessories no longer concern her.  Her spirit is now in tune with God’s Spirit and it shows in how she responds to her husband.

If your attitude change, your body language changes, and your voice changes, then your husband will notice.  It may take a while, but it will soon get the best of him, and he will want to know why.  Now is the time to speak up.  When he asks you what is different about you, or why you’re different, then is the opportunity.  He asked the question.  He wants to know.  He’s ready to listen.  He may not want to hear everything, but that’s okay.  Give him the gospel until he walks away.  Then start the process over again.  Be silent, be of gentle spirit.

A husband should wake up in the morning and think he is the luckiest man in the world, not because he has a pretty wife, but because she has a beautiful spirit about her.

And find solace in the Lord.  “For in the past, the holy women who put their hope in God also beautified themselves in this way, submitting to their own husbands, but as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.  You have become her children when you do what is good and are not frightened by anything alarming,” (1 Peter 3.5-6, HCSB).  Peter wrote that these women found their hope in God.  It was not in their husbands.  It was not in their own dignity even.  It was in God.  They found rest and solace–hope in God.  That hope resulted in subjection.  Just as the citizen is subjecting himself for God’s sake (1 Peter 2:15), and just as the slave is subjecting himself being mindful of God (1 Peter 2:19), so the wife is to subject with the hope of God.  This was why Peter wrote earlier that you are to prepare, “Therefore, with your minds ready for action, be serious and set your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ,” (1.13, HCSB).

Everything within you says that it is not worth it.  Everything in you says that you are not appreciated.  Everything within you says to strike back, to quit, to walk away.  Why?  Because everything within you is hoping for something better, or maybe someone better.  Peter told us to hope in God—to hope fully on the grace that is to come.  Some wives put their hopes in their arguments, their jabs, their nags, their pleas.  Peter says to hope in God.  Be silent.  Be of good spirit.  Find solace in God.  If you do so, there is no need to fear: no need to fear that you will be taken advantage of, no need to fear what submitting may do.  The lack of fear is evidence of a life that fully hopes in God and the grace that He brings.

Husbands don’t get off scott-free.  Peter has some admonishing words to them as well.  “Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives with an understanding of their weaker nature yet showing them honor as coheirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered,” (1 Peter 3.7, HCSB).

In the same way.  With the same thought and practice as the wives have toward the husband.  Just as the wife should love and respect her husband, and her way is to show it through following well, husbands should love and respect their wives, and their way is to lead well.  How do they do this?  They do this by treasuring their wives.

Physically speaking women are generally weaker than men.  There are exceptions, but generally speaking this is so.  At the time when Peter wrote this, women were little more than property.  They were rarely consulted, rarely thought of as having importance.  Peter wrote that the Christian man will never see his wife this way.  This is why the Christian man ought never to demand submission from his wife.  This is God’s work in her spirit, not the husband’s work in breaking her spirit.

Husbands are to honor their wives.  They are to treasure them.  They are not property. They are not objects.  They are more than just the mother of your children and your servant that gets you a drink and makes you dinner.  They are first and foremost the daughter of God, and if you are a believer then they are secondly your sister-in-Christ.  You and she will receive an inheritance.  Again, in that day and age women would not receive an inheritance.  There had to be a court case to get a woman an inheritance.  Peter told the husbands that with God this is not so.  She is equal in all respects to the man, and how the husband treats his wife will be judged on how he treated Jesus.

Remember all believers are a part of the body of Christ.  He identifies with them so much that He not only said that how you treat the least of these you have treated me, but upon stopping Saul on the way to Damascus to throw Christians in jail, Jesus appeared to him and asked why Saul was persecuting Him.

They are first and foremost the daughter of God, and if you are a believer then they are secondly your sister-in-Christ.

Peter warned that if you are not treating your wife with the respect that a daughter of the King deserves, then your prayers will be hindered. Husbands, if you ever hope to have answered prayer, treat your wife with the greatest of dignity and respect and love. This goes to the husband of an unbelieving wife as well.  You still show her respect.  You still give her honor.  Do not force her against her will to do that which God has not yet called her to.  Otherwise you’re just messing things up. You’re praying for her salvation, but you’re treating her in a way that repels her from the gospel.

I know this has been a longer than normal blog, but let me close with this: abuse in a relationship is unacceptable.  If one can remove themselves from the situation they must do so.  The Bible allows for divorce in certain situations, and abuse for whatever reason is not one of them.  But Paul would allow for separation.  While Paul would encourage a wife of an unbeliever to stay in the marriage, he allows for separation, but wrote, “But if she does leave, she must remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband,” (1 Cor 7:11, HCSB).  The hope in it all is to reconcile, to get help for both the abused and the abuser, and then bring them back together when they are well and ready.

Once again, I would love to hear from your whether your agree or disagree.  I only ask you to be respectful in whatever you say.  If so, your comments will be posted asap.  If not, they will be deleted.  If you know of anyone who would benefit from reading this, feel free to share.